oh bittersweet heart of mine

With my best friend’s wedding in six months and a plethora of cosplay plans involving muscle strength, it is probably in my best interest to take that desire for girl abs seriously. I joke around about girl abs a lot but cosplay aside, perhaps it would be best for me to invest my time accordingly.

It seems difficult for people to understand how I manage to make time for the things I need to do [i.e. my job as a TA,my grad school research, preparing to get into med school] and the things I want to do [i.e. cosplay, fanfiction, goofing off]. What they don’t realize is that I’ve sacrificed a lot personally to keep both parts of my world present.

Thankfully, the burden has been eased a little bit. Sarah’s got this skit in the bag and Lizzie’s agreed to take over PR work. Buckle’s doing the research and budgeting for our con trips and Laura’s got etsy figured out. All I have to do is manage our funds and pay our etsy bill.

Despite all that, I still have to study and study my ass off. I failed the first time around due to lack of mental discipline but lately I’ve been thinking about the old adage “a healthy mind and healthy spirit dwells in a healthy body.”

I’m the farthest thing from healthy. I’m probably fifteen pounds overweight, I don’t sleep regularly, and my diet ranges from eating reasonably well to stuffing the first tasty carbohydrate in my mouth.There’s a permanent muscle knot in the back of my neck, I’m constantly slouching [even as I write, I’m slouching], and every muscle in my body is tightly wound with tension.

That’s not good.

I think because I internalize so many of my daily stresses, it’s started to show on me physically. I never used to have bags under my eyes and it seems like no matter how much rest I get, they’re always there. The littlest annoyances set me off now and I have little tolerance for bullshit. I can’t empathize with people as well as I used to and I honestly don’t care to. Everything and everyone is an inconvenience to me and I’m afraid I’m going to lash out and break important bonds if I don’t get myself together soon.

I told Buckle and Deanna this before they left, but I’m thinking about disappearing from group projects until I finish my master’s and get into med school. I’ll still do the skit because I’m not going to back out on Sarah and go to RTX because I’m not going to back out on the guys, but other than that, I don’t know if I can handle everything else.

It’s really not fair that everyone tells me they understand if I need to devote time to studies but never lets me. I’m not the kind of person who can do this “constantly taking breaks” thing while studying. Once I loose my focus on something, it takes a while for me to get it back. Hence, the reason why cosplaying during the school year is a dangerous thing for me.

I think too much. Perhaps having an outlet for my frustrations will help. Physical discipline leads to mental discipline after all. Perhaps if I better myself, I can better my life and the way I handle situations.

I’ve written a lot about how I need to change. It’s time I stop writing about it and start doing something about it. In a strange way, girls abs have become a symbol of change for me. They represent strength and intelligence, determination and discipline, perseverance and wisdom–qualities I wish I could say I possess but just fall short of.

Mom came home with this half-priced yoga set last night. I’m determined to start the week–and by extension, the new year–right by falling into the habit of working on those girl abs every day. I’ve got six months to bring those girl abs to the surface so wish me luck!

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